On Friendship and Forgiveness

There are two things that I have learned about myself within the past week and a half --- 

(1) I'd much rather spend time with my dogs than a lot of people... AND (2) The friendships that I thought were true friendships, were nothing more than pseudo-friendships. Yep, false footed friendships. Ah, well here's a third (3) I have never really had friendships that were based whole heartedly in Christ. Crazy as that seems. I don't know why I have never been in any relationship without Christ as the center of it.

In the pseudo-friendship, I always felt as though I was not being lifted up, nor was I lifting my friend up... We were both in this friendship purely out of comfort. We were afraid to lose the familiarity of each other's company, gossip, feelings, outings, and the boy talk. But, after a while of being stuck in this falsity, we both had had enough of the abuse. The abuse wasn't physical, it had never gotten that far... But for me the abuse was much more dangerous and hurtful. It was verbal and emotional abuse. She was the perfect chick, with the perfect body, perfect hair, tiny clothing, street smarts. . .  etc. And I was, her "fat" smart friend. I was the one with the big hips, big breasts, a pudgy tummy, book smart. . . She would always tell me that men would never like me because my breasts were too large, or because my hair was too thin, or blah blah blah.... And this words became my truth. I felt I wasn't good enough for any man.  But, this wasn't just one friend doing this to me, this was two, simultaneously, at different times in the day.

This went on for YEARS. 

One of my friends, was getting married, at the Belagiao in Las Vegas-- yet, I had to refuse to go because I didn't have the funds to fly out and get a room and all of this fun stuff. That's where our friendship ended. Her prince was back from war, and her world was right. She didn't need me anymore. We haven't spoken since. It's been about 3 years since I have seen her last. It doesn't bother me one bit. 

My other friend, while the friendship above was ending, was ending on the same day. I had text messaged her saying hello and that I had missed her and that we needed to go get coffee soon. Friendly and innocent enough as it was, turned into a I hate you, and I never want to talk to you again (this was coming from my friend). That was that. Fifteen years of friendship had gone down the hole. Through everything we had gone through together, she just wanted to wipe her hands clean of me, and to be completely honest, I wanted to rid my life of her as well. 

Fast forward two years, I was entering my last year and a half of college, I was for the first time in years, healthy--- I had the friendships, the body, the lifestyle, and the smile to prove it.  Then I get a message on Facebook... It was my old friend. She said that she wanted to make peace with me, meet her fiancé, and she wanted me to be at the wedding in few months. Befuddled, I didn't know how to respond then with joy for her, because at last she had found the one who her heart has desired. 

So, before I met her fiancé, we had coffee and talked like nothing had ever happened or there was ever a disturbance in this pseudo-friendship. After a few more meetings over coffee, I had met this man that had claimed her heart. Though he isn't anything I would ever have thought about dating, I actually find him rather repulsing. Yes, as a friend I told her that. I was a witness at their wedding a few months later at the courthouse. 

For their first year of marriage, she would only really see him on the weekends, because his job took him out of town most of the week. So, she would always complain about how lonely and upset she was because he was never there with her or really for her. She had a lot on her plate at the time, and she needed the moral support that she was only getting really from me, but not from her husband or family. So, she would always message me and say how she was going to divorce him because he wouldn't stop smoking or he was doing this, that and the other- and frankly, she didn't like him doing any of that. And I would agree with her, saying that if she wasn't happy then she should find some one who would make her happy. I wasn't supporting her in her marriage as much as I should have been.

Recently, I noticed that we weren't friends on Facebook anymore, I decided to text her, telling her that I was sorry for not being the friend I should have been in the times that she needed me the most. She told me that there was no need to apologize, I was always there for her when she needed to complain, but she never understood why I went to her wedding and was a witness and all that jazz... And that's when the truth came out of me... For the first time in ages. She was happy for the first time in her life. That is why I was supporting her marriage in the first place.  Because she for the first time in her life, she was happy. Though we haven't spoken much in the past two weeks, I'm fine with it. She's working her butt off right now, and I am happily searching for a job, going to the other side of town to watch one of my nephews a couple of times a week, and for once I am happy. 

Dear reader, you may be asking yourself, why is she telling us this story? 

Because through this hurt, heartbreak, and falseness of some friendships that I have had, has led me to greater friendships. Friendships that are not only filled with love, truth and joy.... But friendships that are centered around Christ. 

These friendships, although they are still new... Feel like that have been in the making for the longest time. For the first time in my life, I know what it is to really forgive and let go. But these women that I have come into friendship with, are the ones that see me for who I really am, and they are not letting me go back into the dark place that I once was. These women lift one another up, they do not insult one another for the betterment of their feelings-- but rather, they speak truth over one another. It's a beautiful thing to be surrounded by such light. My sisters in Christ are helping me become a better friend, and a better daughter in Christ, and just helping me become a person who is not afraid to be who I really am. 

Readers, friendships shouldn't feel  like burdens. And if the friendship that you are in feels like it is a burden to continuously step into, then maybe you should step back, and reevaluate the situation. Is this person your Lot? Are they holding you back from Christ? Are they holding you back from the greatness that you are, or will become? Or do your friendships feel like a continual blessing? Are your friends helping you grow in Christ, and a helping you become greater than you already are??

Think about it. Get rid of the Lots in your life. Once you have gotten past these lessons, these people, go fulfill what God has truly laid out for you. Sure, God puts people in your life for a reason, maybe to learn a lesson. But... When that lesson is learned, don't hold on. Forgive those who have hurt you and let it be.

What makes you stop?

Readers,

What makes you stop? Whether you are driving, at school, work, the dog park, or even at Starbucks?
What makes you stop and just sit back and bask in the glory of God? What are those moments that make you just thankful to be alive? To be in love? What are the moments that just make you simply smile? Is it a memory? A song? Your dogs, cat, hamster or goldfish?


For me, there are a few moments... These moments make me realize that I am closer to Christ than I think I am, and these moments make me think about my life, and how lucky I am to be alive.

George Harrison wrote a song called, "My Sweet Lord", and this is where I want to start my moment of stopping. I was driving to Whole Foods, getting groceries for the next few days, and as I was driving I was replaying the days events in my head. Admittedly, it wasn't my best day. I just wanted the day to be over, I wanted to go in my room and just cry. Well, as I was pulling into the parking lot of Whole Foods, finding a parking spot, I decided that I would go through the radio stations on FM2 just to see what was on before I set off into the drab, cold, store. As I shift over to FM2, I hear the opening cords of this song. As I park, I stop. I put my car in park, turn off the lights, turn the car off- but not the radio. As I hear George Harrison sweetly start singing, "My sweet Lord, ooh My Lord, oh My Lord . . ." I knew at that point, that my problems, my worries, my problems with school, weren't important. That night, I felt that my life was ending; I felt that everything that I had done up until that point was just collapsing on itself, imploding. I felt at that moment that I was just failing at everything.

But, the truth was. . . I wasn't. Sure, I was struggling to keep my head above water with school, with friends, with family, with my dogs... With everything.

At that moment, as I sat in the parking lot. . . I found myself not only crying, but also praying. At that moment I felt God had spoken to me, and put his arm around me and told me that it would all be fine. At that moment, as the song ended, I wiped my eyes, grabbed my purse and went into the store.

It was like the light had returned to my life. No, it was the light returning to my life. I don't know what I was asking for, but all I know is that I was so depressed. . . I just wasn't sure where to turn. I am happy that night, I just stopped. I stopped and prayed.

So, dear readers, what makes you stop?

The Power of Words and Love.

Over the past few weeks, I have had this burning passion in my heart to write. I didn't know what to write, or where to start... But I feel that Christ has put two things on my heart, that need to get out. I cannot ignore this burning passion in my heart for much longer. 

Words and love. Both of these notions have such an impact on our lives, in very different ways. 

Socrates once said that, "False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil".

It is the false words that are spoken upon us that leave such a heavy and dark impression on our souls. It is these words, that have infected our youth with rage, unkindness and uncertainty. The negativity of words, have caused the youth of our nation, and of the world to cause great bodily harm to themselves. The youth of our nation, everyday are being told that they are worthless, stupid, not good enough to make the team, that they are too fat, too skinny, they are ugly or their hair just isn't cut right. These words... these words of negativity are the ones that take so much out of someone... Soon these words of negativity somehow turn into truth because whoever is being told that they are worthless, not good enough, fat. . . etc, these words do become their truth. But, these words aren't just being said by bullies, but also by their parents. Now, being told you're not good enough by a peer is one thing, but by a parent? Heartbreaking. I've known kids who were the best at everything, but they weren't happy. They weren't happy because their parents said that their layup wasn't as clean as it could be, or why did they get a 99% on their test instead of a 100%? Everything that is done, is criticized. So, even with the straight A's, being the captain of the basketball team... They felt empty. 


But, I want to tell you... Dear reader, whoever you may be... You are worth more than any amount of gold that is on the face of this earth. Christ, has a bigger plan for you, he knows you inside and out. He knows that through all of your struggles, you WILL be something great. For it is His will that will guide you to exactly where you need to be. He would not have put you in the situation you are currently in if He didn't know exactly where it would take you. You just have to put your faith in Him. 

Words have such a powerful impact on you, your children, your nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, teachers, and people you meet on the street. So when you meet someone new, speak words of PRAISE upon them. Even if it's as simple as how pretty their smile is. Just, speak PRAISE onto these people... Because if they have never been told that their smile is gorgeous, they will begin to smile more, and with that one smile could change someone else's life around. 

Words are powerful. Use them wisely. If you aren't praising someone, don't say anything to them. You will never know the impact of your words. 

Love has the same power of words; it can either tear you down, or build you up.  Hopefully, when you love, it builds you up. Whether you are with your friends, family, spouse, animals, or you are just sitting by yourself reading, I hope that you are loving with all of your heart. I love my God, my Savior, family friends, and my dogs and cat- Mack, Molly and Felix. These are the relationships that cannot be broken; certainly tested. But never broken. 

Though I have never had a real relationship, I have had dates with men - some of these dates that I went on, were more lesson and blessings then fun. 

One guy that I dated for a couple of months, had a baby (6 months old), he was separated from the mother of the baby, and when I asked him what had happened within their relationship, he would give me the line, she was crazy. Not cool. But, when we would go on dates and out for dinner, he would  ask  me, " I would love to make you pancakes in the morning, do you want to spend the night, and meet my son"? Then, he would go on saying how there would be no sex, and we wouldn't have sex until I was ready. I had told him on numerous occasions that I did not want to have sex with him, even if we were together for years, and we weren't married. I felt that he never respected my decision. So, I broke it off. There would be no more dates, no more coffee, no more anything. I know that he has probably said a few choice words about me to his buddies, but what I say to him is that I hope he finds his way. I hope that when he does find the one that his heart desires, she will be perfect for him, and he can make her his famous chocolate chip pancakes. I ran into him on campus one day, I hardly had anything to say to him, he felt like a stranger. Even though we had once been close, I just felt like I did not know who this man was.

This is what I have learned in the new year- ladies, this goes for you. When a man tells you that he loves you, and expects your body in return, love is the farthest thing from his mind. When your boyfriend/girlfriend truly loves you, they will respect your decision- if your decision is to abstain from sex until marriage, or if you have made a promise to yourself and to God that even though you have lost your way, and did not wait until marriage, but you have chosen not to be promiscuous anymore... He/she will respect you enough to find other ways to love you-- and that is key. Building a relationship is far more important than jumping into bed with someone you met at the bar the night before. 

I feel that in our society, women are expected to be at the disposal of man. But ladies, when God created us, he did not take us from the dirt under Adam's feet to be walked upon, or the air above his head to be more superior than him, but he took us from Adam's rib because we are equal to men. And if the men that you are associating yourself with are men without God in their life, then they are men that you don't really need to be in a relationship with. I know many men who are amazing men without God in their life, and I know my pastors will be reading this, but in all reality... They would be no where with out Christ. 

Just like with words, you have a choice. You have a choice to improve your life. If you are in a relationship that is taking you farther away from Christ, then you need to jump ship, find your way back to dry land, and re-establish yourself with Christ. Once you have put your faith, trust, your life back into Christ, the person that is supposed to love you and ask your father for your hand in marriage, will be there. 

It makes me so sad that it has taken me this long to figure it out, 24 years.. But, I have finally figured it out. Christ's love is forever, and that is something that can never be taken away. 


Whoever reads this, I hope I helped you in some way. I want you to know that you are beautiful, you are good enough, and you are smart enough to conquer anything.